SENSES FAIL – LET IT ENFOLD YOU

Review by Marcus Stalmer (originally reviewed: 3-27-05)
Senses Fail fucking rules… I played this shit for one of my pussy cock rocker friends and at first he was like ‘what the fuck is this shit’ and then he started shaking and convulsing and shit so I picked him up and threw him into the bathtub because I thought he was going into shock so I remembered what this football manager told me in high school and that was to submerge someone who’s going into shock underwater so that they realize they’re underwater and then they panic for real snapping them out of the bullshit shock. So I was just about to do that but I ran into my room to turn the music up so he could still check it out while I was about to save the day and as soon as I turned my stereo up it sounded like someone blew an o-ring in my bathroom so I walked in and his head fucking exploded… don’t believe me? Doesn’t matter, broham. It totally fucking wrecked his Abercrombie shirt too. So I pulled his limp body out of the tub and never doubting the power of Senses Fail… I turned my stereo up as loud as it would go and my cock rocker friend stood up and put his head back together and then his wounds healed. I felt really bad that Senses Fail had flipped out so hard that they blew my friends top off and that I had been the one playing the music so we went to the mall and got him a way awesomer Abercrombie shirt and went to a party.

-Mark

BLOC PARTY – SILENT ALARM

Review by Marcus Stalmer (originally reviewed on 4-13-05)
My friend Giraffe brought this album to a party I threw about a week ago. He told me it was cool so I decided to give it a chance. Everyone was just finishing off the Mexican food I got from El Deponer Burrito Stand for all my guests. Giraffe and I were sort of pissed when we found out that the faggots had drank up all my cases of Coors and bottles of Everclear and Tequila before we even got a chance to get at them but I blew it off and started thumping this record and I thought it was pretty good. It was a little different but everyone else at my party had a far different reaction. As soon as the song “Positive Tension” started playing everyone started complaining and telling me they didn’t feel well. Some of the pussies told me to turn the music down but I was barely starting to get into it so like a dick I turned it up louder. Then Jacques (yes I have a friend named Jacques) grabbed my camera and started fucking around but it was perfect because Freddy started blowing. I was pissed and I couldn’t believe that my so-called friends would put on such a fiasco when they didn’t agree with my choice of music. To barf when I put it on was just uncalled for. I mean they even barfed on my dog Rabies. I was kinda pissed but Rabies licked it off and went to bed. Thankfully that all went down in the backyard. Bloc Party was apparently pumping thru the whole place because I went inside and my girlfriend who just so happened to be in on the joke, she had puked and pretended to be passed out on my new barcalounger, that cunt. Very funny you fucking whore… guess what… I haven’t told you yet but as my girlfriend… you’re fired. Besides your sister sucks dick better anyways. At this point I was starting to get mad. Then I walk into my bathroom and find Brian. Oh what a surprise… he was in on it too. Well Hahaha you fucking dickheads. I always dreamed of growing up and having friends just like you gays… I mean guys (that’s what you call a Freudian slip, cocknauts). You come over and drink all my shit and then barf at my music choice like it was the new Priest album, fuck off.

-Mark

TRIVIUM – ASCENDANCY

Review by Marcus Stalmer (original review date: 4-13-05)
This band is pretty badass. I don’t like the kind of music they are classified as but I like them and that says a lot. The first time I heard this album I was with my good buddy Alan. Alan is really into the Nu-Metal and crap like that so we were listening to the song “Pull Harder” and he started to turn all red and shit and he said he felt like his skin was on fire. I was worried that he might go into shock and I did actually doubt this band’s ability to raise motherfuckers from the dead like Senses Fail so I told him that we needed to get to a shower or bathtub – stat. He said he felt as if he were about to burst into flames and I started to worry about spontaneous human combustion and types of shit like that. Alan always drives quicker when the music is rocking him harder and the only way to rock him harder was to crank the fuck out of the volume. So I did. We pulled into the parking lot of a YWCA and ran in to the building. My shower/bathtub idea saved the day. So then we decided to pull a joke on some of our cock rocker friends and we played it for them. At first they were all about it but then they felt the fire too. They sort of freaked out so I told them to get in the shower and they were fine but that didn’t stop me from blasting Trivium even louder. You should’ve seen the fear in Trey’s eyes, it rocked.

-Mark

NINE INCH NAILS – [WITH_TEETH]

Review by Marcus Stalmer (original review date: 4-25-05)
Nine Inch Nails is back and Trent hasn’t slipped one bit. This time around he’s got a message about the future and it is: It’s not here yet and probably never will be.

“Love Is Not Enough” is the only track that sucks. Still, Trent gives us his incredible version of the future with tracks like “The Hand That Feeds” “With Teeth” “Beside You In Time” and “All The Love In The World”. He’s got a clear message for all of mankind with tracks like “Everyday Is Exactly The Same” “Only” and “Right Where It Belongs”.

To find an album that says so much is like trying to find Waldo with his glasses off and dressed in S&M gear at a homosexual Harley Davidson convention. Good luck. He’s got more integrity and confidence than ever and he comes around every few years just to fuck everything up and remind us that we are slaves. Not only that but he’s one of the few on the fringe of the industry fighting the retro-bullshit-scene. NIN fucks up everything in the past… Trent assrapes the teenyboppers and demolishes everything on MTV. The pussies over at Rolling Stone were too busy going down on the guys from Kings Of Leon to put their review on their site.

-Mark

NOTORIOUS BIG – READY TO DIE

Review by Marcus Stalmer
Biggie was never more ninja than he was on this one… This takes the cake as the greatest hip-hop record of all time but ‘Life After Death’ was just as good. Need I say more? Maybe I should.

When I got this album for Christmas back in 1994 me and my friend Sancho decided to become cocaine dealers. We started out small but eventually we got pretty big… we were making about seven figures each so we get this fucked up idea one day to head down to Columbia in this plane that Sancho had just bought and smuggle some coke up in the plane. I thought the idea fucking ruled but I had been on a Predator binge for about a week watching nothing but the first Predator movie so I was all types of paranoid that we were going to run into that fucking thing so Sancho and I had to get assloads of weapons to protect ourselves. Well it turned out that Sancho couldn’t fly worth a shit so we ended up crashing in the fucking jungle. We had to sell our weapons for other supplies and food. We ran out of money when we got to Nicaragua and Sancho decided to stay so I had to walk home.

It took me two fucking months to get back (scattered hitchhiking, again, mostly walking) and by the time I came back the FBI had totally jacked all my money and cool shit so I was totally pissed. I had to assume an alias and start hanging out with fags like my cock rocker friends just to lose the feds.

Let me assure you that hip-hop gets no better than with Biggie.

-Mark

LYNYRD SKYNYRD – ENTIRE CAREER

Review by Marcus Stalmer
This one time when I was about fifteen I did the dumbest thing I had ever done. I bought a Lynyrd Skynyrd greatest hits album. I didn’t know any better and I think I was on drugs. Anyway I tried to get into it but every time I put it on all I could think of was trailer trash, rednecks and butt rockers… It pissed me off to great ends that I had wasted my hard earned money on that bullshit.

Several years later I was coming out of a grocery store and I saw some fat redneck bulldyke trailer trash bitch driving at me pumping some other type of trailer trash shit drowning out all other realities except for her failure of a life. It reminded me of Lynyrd Skynyrd and it made me enraged. I would have let it go but the dumpwhore almost ran me and my bag of groceries (primarily condoms) over. She slams on her brakes and starts screaming out her window at me. I couldn’t believe it. I got to my car and I decided to wait for her figuring the best way to murder her was where no one could witness me do it. She came out with like three carts and half of the store’s staff trying to get her bulldyke groceries into her bulldyke car. After that she began to drive off so I followed her to a part of town that I didn’t even know existed behind the refineries and just beside the sewage treatment plant. Of course she lived in a trailer… so she gets out of her car and I do exactly what she did to me… I damn near commit vehicular homicide in this bulldyke’s front dirt lot. So I’m honking my horn and banging some hardcore shit like DMX or something and the bitch actually comes at me. Right as she gets up to my door I open it as hard and as fast as I can knocking the bulldyke into her dirt. I get out of my car and hit her in the face with my crowbar and then I hop back in my car and start to back out… I was sure I had killed her but then she got up all dazed and shit, so I peeled out.

Anyway I fucking hate Lynyrd Skynyrd and all their fans.

-Mark

The Street’s Retro Review

I will be posting some old music reviews that I did, and in the future I would like to review some albums considered classics and some that I consider classic, there will be a difference. I might also like to bleed over into old movies, these will all fall under the Retro Review. So get ready for an assload of reviews, kids.

-Mark

UFOs are real, you fucktards

That’s right, things that fly have been unidentified. Some may even be mysteries, but UFOs do not automatically equal Aliens/Time Travelers/Inter-dimensional Beings/Angels/Or anthing else you might imagine… they may not even be experimental aircraft… the point is that they are unidentified. Just thought I would help end any confusion… and yes, I have seen UFOs.

I, that is, Mark

has-ed twitterz!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 http://twitter.com/stalmer

Barack “Blue Light Special” Obama

Let me get this straight out of the way by saying I think no ruler is the best ruler. I am neither Republican nor Democrat, I prefer economic and social freedom to the extreme.

It seems as though Mr. Obama doesn’t quite understand his role as a liberal, having supported the Patriot Act and FISA bill. It feels like a republican will be president again either way. I don’t believe any of it and thusly form my new category called Rubbish, where all my political and religious topic posts will sit, because it’s going to be rubbish one way or another, whether you agree or disagree.

-Mark